fear

Is this life?

“Time’s running short. Things are changing and we’re aging. And I don’t know how to deal with this constant fear of growing up..

Replacing elders and moreover being involved in the practicalities of life. Everything seems like on a rail rush, if you won’t run faster, you’ll lose it! You have to run and run and run and run as fast as you can. Either, people will crush you under their feet..

Is this life? Growing up and being constantly fearful that things won’t be the same as they used to be. That this very moment won’t revise ever!

I’m affarid of this sudden but not so sudden change!”, she thought to herself as the clock ticked 3:00am and she poked herself, put a couple of morning alarms on her phone (because who wakes up on a single alarm bell :D), closed her eyes and wished for a peaceful sleep after a real hectic day.

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For it demands to be courageous

And then they said;

..but to be courageous,
you have to be fearless,
but once trapped by fear, the journey’s so hard to walk towards bravery, love and compassion.

For it demands to be courageous but I am a coward perhaps.

From fear to love

OK so I am afraid of heights, not that on the extremes but a little. Call it a less intense phobia.

Standing at the grill-side, of the fourth flour, had many times seemed like a jolt of wind – flying down to hit the bottom end line of the floor. It seemed like things will fall from my hands and as I grabbed them more and more tightly, the fear of losing  became greater. Fallen things are hardest to pick. And that’s the fear. Well it’s not actually the fear I was afraid of but the suffering it will may cause afterwards..

Leave, lets not talk about the fear and the suffering it may cause (which is really very confusing), lets talk about LOVE (a fantasy world as most of people call it to be).

The things I grabbed tightly were the things I loved the most, things I never wanted to loose. That love is just a need and we don’t understand this realism. Our associations with things, our love for them is just a human-need-becoming-a-desire. Until or unless the need’s not fulfilled, you won’t let things fall by.. But once gratified, you’ll let things fall and there won’t be any regrets.

So all in my opinion, fear is suffering of fear and love is need. Fear can never replace love neither can love replace fear. The distance from fear to love is just a materialistic-human-desire. Nothing more than that. The ‘thing’ people call love, I call it a human-lusty-need. Fear is not bad itself but the suffering of fear is the worst!

 

Changing Time

Time’s changing.
And I fear not so sudden but sudden change.

Silence

Dear wordpress, I’m sorry I wasn’t writing for a long but I’m back with a sea of words. So here they go..!

There were things I wanted to say, but I remained silent.
The fear of rejection, abandonment and facings.
Time passed and I regretted.

 

This is the story of July, 2013 (draft-to-be-posted)

I fear death and old-age more than anything else. Not actually my own death but of the people I love, people around me.. I cannot see them shutting off their lives in front of me. I can’t. I just can’t. Knowing that it’s absurd and Allah shuns a person who doesn’t accept the utter realities that he is being told since childhood. Whenever someone’s sick, I feel like depressed and couldn’t get any better un-till or unless they get fine.

My Grandma had very tough days last month. She’s probably 82 and has been suffering from osteoporosis since a couple of years, because of which she’s unable to walk well. A sufferer of high blood pressure, piles and some heart related issues. She can’t sleep well even in normal days when she ain’t that sick because she has to run into the bathroom every hour or so. And if she won’t, her sphincters may loose.

In the fourth week of the last month, on July 26th, the night of lai-la-tul-qadr, fever took hand over her. I went into her room and sat by her. She began to tell me about the pain in her overall body and even in the sections of the fingers. I held her hands and started cuddling them. Meanwhile she said something which left me silently shocked and unable to come up with a reply as I couldn’t find the ‘right words’.

She said: ‘I wish and I pray to Allah (God) that please take me as I am. Don’t break some more pain like a mountain over me. I can’t resist any more.’

She got better afterwards Alhumdulillah!

This is November and she’s sick again, of the sudden outbreak of extreme cold weather – frozen left arm with extreme pain and a lot more.

To all those who’re reading this, remember her in your prayers! This is the least and a lot that anyone can do. 🙂

Marriages be like..

OK so I personally have no interest in getting married like other girls at my age have. There’s no doubt that I’ll be marrying someone someday for sure! But it’ll be JUST because I’D HAVE TO – social issues, social insecurities, Islamic perspectives and much more reasons to count..

But guess what! It’s really really exciting for me to enjoy someone else’s marriage,JLBooth_Counselling_Marriage_Preparation_Program_Logo
which becomes more exciting when it’s the wedding of your one and only sister.

Yes my sister’s getting married in one of coming months of winter 2014, most probably! It scares me. The room which we shared will scare me when she won’t be on the bed next to me. Even the thought of  going away, the separation of souls is so terrifying.

I have to live all alone from now on – is the scariest thought..

Time will fly away from my hands and I won’t be able to catch it the same ever again! It’s just like releasing a pigeon in the air with your own hands knowing that you won’t be able to catch it again. You don’t want to but you have to.

No gossips. No late night chats. No Chinese cuisine which she cooked. No cries. No smiles. No nothing.  Though we weren’t so similar but we had each other which was enough.

You never realize the value of something or anything until it’s gone or snatched away from you. This is what’s going to happen with me. I am nothing and I won’t be anything without her. I love her as she is. I love her for everything! And I am going to miss her a lot and a lot more!

Bundle of nerves

..and they were standing in front of me as I was the thief,

and they were being robbed.

Fear held my back once,

and I regret it up-till now..